When Good Memories Aren’t Safe Ones, Our Nervous System Holds the Real Story

“Was it a good relationship?”

“Did you have happy memories?”

Two questions that seem so simple—until they’re not.

I was recently asked these questions about a past relationship, one that lasted a decade. On the surface, it looked beautiful and had the smiling pictures to match. From the outside, it had everything you’d want: vacations, milestones, adventure, laughter.

So when I was asked if there were good memories, I paused…and said yes.

But that night, I couldn’t sleep. I woke up shaking. My body was completely dysregulated, and I couldn’t understand why. The memories I’d recalled were objectively positive. But something about saying “yes” still felt like betrayal.

It took me a while to figure it out:

My words said yes. But my nervous system said no.

The Nervous System Remembers

The hard truth my body was telling me? That relationship wasn’t safe. It was manipulative. Confusing. Narcissistic at its core. There was no visible bruising or yelling match I could point to. Instead, there was love-bombing and gaslighting. Charm in public, destabilization in private.

Unless you’ve lived it, this is hard to understand:

You can smile and live life motivated by fear. You can laugh, travel, celebrate birthdays, even get married—and remain in survival mode.

That’s the paradox of sympathetic activation.

Fight. Flight. Freeze. Fawn. They’re all driven by fear.

No matter which trauma response you have, they’re all signs you’re wired for survival.

If you don’t know who you are—or you’ve spent your life abandoning yourself to keep others comfortable—you can convince yourself everything’s fine. You can reframe chaos as adventure. You can script your life into something that looks good, even to yourself.

But your body knows the truth. And eventually, it speaks.

When “Good” Feels Bad

The deeper I reflected, the more reality came into focus:

Yes, I laughed. Yes, I participated in joyful activities.

But were they good memories?

Not in the safe-and-connected kind of way. Not in the warm, anchored-in-ventral-vagal kind of way.

Those moments were impersonating joy: my nervous system was making every effort to keep me safe. I wasn’t lying — I was surviving.

When your entire mind and body are geared toward avoiding conflict, managing perception, and chasing connection, you can leave yourself behind. You can spend years in an empty “happiness” that’s not joyful or regulated. It’s a kind of endurance.

The Cost of Self-Abandonment

When I answer yes too quickly to questions like, “Were there good times?”, I'm not honoring how disconnected I felt from myself during those times. I’m abandoning myself all over again.

That’s why the inner conflict feels so sharp. My system now recognizes when I’m betraying myself for the sake of keeping it simple, or keeping the peace.

So what’s the truer answer?

Yes, there were smiles. Yes, I joined in on adventures and milestones.

But no—I don’t remember that decade with warmth. I don’t feel protected in those memories. I don’t look back and think: I was safe, I was seen, I was supported. Because I wasn’t.

And that matters.

This is the “Both-And” tension that trauma survivors live in:

I had fun. I smiled. I laughed. I played my role… and

I was unsafe, unsupported, and living in survival mode. I wasn’t okay, no matter how much I looked the part.

Your nervous system remembers the truth of what you’ve been through —even when your mind doesn’t have the words. And if those memories still don't feel safe, you weren’t safe. it doesn’t matter how good the photos looked or the stories seemed.

The Ventral State: Where Good Times Start

Truly good times—the kind that feel safe, whole, connected—happen when we’re living in a regulated state called the ventral state. Your nervous system feels calm when you’re able to be truly seen, deeply engaged, and fully yourself.

It’s not performative. It’s not survival. It’s presence.

Now, when I’m asked about the past, I pause… not out of fear, but out of reverence.

Because I’m no longer throwing a blanket “yes” over my own story.

I’m letting my body tell the truth. And I’ll protect that truth with everything I have.

An Invitation

If you've ever felt confused about your own past, questioned your memories, or wondered why “good times” don’t feel good, you’re not alone. Your nervous system may be holding the missing context.

You don’t have to make sense of it all at once. But you can begin to listen.

There’s a whole world of safety waiting on the other side of survival. If you’re ready to explore that world with an experienced guide, complete this form to schedule a discovery call.